They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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