Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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