So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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