So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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