OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
