She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
you inspire me to be a worse person
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
