I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
