how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
