i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
