Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
