3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
