OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
