Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
