I need to stop coming to work sober
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
