I feel like I'm in dance class right now
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
