The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
