I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
