My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
