Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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