Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
