new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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