he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
