You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
as a side note pls kill me
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
