My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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