you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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