You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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