Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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