After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
