I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
