So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
My penis needs a shock collar
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
