I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
