the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
