I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm like, not good at living.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
