a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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