I'm pants shitting drunk right now
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
A+ Viking dick
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
