Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.