I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
