do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
So vagazzling was a success
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
