you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
