my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
