good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
