After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
