Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
