Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
