you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
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