I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I don't deserve a penis
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
