For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
