I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i was born a porn star she said
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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