Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
