Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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