It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
