I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
