im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
50% drunk capacity currently
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
