I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
