I want to make a zoo with you.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
