I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
