a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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