My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
