Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
